the circuit of the heart

(I wrote this last year as my first spoken word poem that I performed. I’m not very happy with it)

the circuit of the heart

 

the body is a circuit with the heart as a battery

in order to understand how blood pumps breathing left and returns breathless right

the body is a machine

i try to automize my life but there is little autonomy in the bloodline

the pump to move a name through generations

biological like the selfish genes that jump through kernels and make a mosaic out of corn

i understand that i am a mosaic of father and mother distributed throughout by chaos

my father left when i was three and shattered my nuclear family

history is a bomb just waiting for the neutron to come and cascade

my father left at three and came back at sixteen a stranger

when i first met him in the flesh again i watched a piece of ice melt upon the table

stealing the heat from the room

stealing my hatred until it is indifference

a relationship maintained through christmas cards and returned packages

 

i wanted to make someone a card

so i drew with pastels for the first time in a good few years

it was a terrible mistake , the powder stained my fingertips red and yellow

the face disappeared upon the page,

no nose or eyes or ears

just a blob blended into nothing

i am trying to find myself within the blending within the mosaic

a straight line of ink within the colors separating out from me

 

i am trying to find myself within the intersectionality,

between i and world

somehow drawing a line between solidarity and my mother’s wish for my security

when i cried in junior year of high school because a friend didn’t return the same facsimile of affection

my mother’s heart broke for my future and not for my then-beating heart

that broke for a friend who could not accept my love

 

their hand was always so warm

they didn’t know why i held onto their upper arm

hand in a caress or grasp

they didn’t know why i held on remora to their great white

love a seed making a nursery of concrete

i do not want the forest to burn just to give it a chance at life

but i could not deny it the will to exist

 

i let them go but i have not let my love go with them

the past still holds true even if it is not in the present

my anchor fell on silt seabed and i was swept away

other polyps made garden of their valley

until what separated us was the great barrier reef

 

there is a jellyfish that can live forever

caught in the circuit of life and death

youth and old age

i am afraid of the future inherent in my bloodline

from age taking care of youth to youth taking care of age

how can i leave if after me no one will follow?

my generation cuts roots

three daughters born to unrelated sons

if i reject ‘daughter’, reject ‘family’,

can i drift upon the undelineated country of pastel where my face is silence

and body node upon the family circuit

apple poisoning the family tree

 

a filament can be heated to eject electrons into void

but am i the current or the escaping light?

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